Money CAN buy happiness... aka RANT

Sometimes life has to be so hard. I have so much to be thankful for but I never seem happy. I have 2 wonderful and healthy kids. I have a roof over my head. For the most part we have food in the fridge and pantry. I should be grateful but I can't help being so sad all of the time. Ever since I graduated high school I have worked. I have had poor paying jobs and pretty good paying jobs. I loved the feeling of getting up in the morning and having a purpose for the day, making a paycheck and contributing to my family. I have to see Rickys face when we check our bank account to see that we don't have enough money. Yet again we have wasted away 8 grand from taxes. I could justify a few purchases and some money spent though. We paid 3 months in rent and bought a computer since ours is ready to go any day now. We didnt need our 42 inch plasma, even though we got a great deal on it. We didnt need to go out with friends and spend so much money, we didnt need to spend so much on Christmas or Nathans birthday or Valentines day. I always say we will do it different next year but I am sure we wont. Ricky and I really don't have that much in common. We fight quite a bit about stupid stuff. We have one piece of shit car and to be quite honest I don't think we will ever have anything nice ever. We don't have a washer and dryer. Clothes pile up and then I drive 35 minutes to Donelson to wash laundry with Rickys step mom. If I ever go anywhere I have 2 kids with me. Rickys work cut his hours, AGAIN. I am sure because of this we wont be able to make our rent next month. We have next to nothing to eat in our house yet I am STILL overweight. I hardly eat and I run around after kids all day and I am convinced I am going to be fat forever. I am probably larger than my father, which is sad since he is 6ft or taller and I am a mere 5 foot 5. I hate getting up in the morning knowing I am going to have to look at the same pile of laundry again, I wont have the house clean enough and when I do my tornado of a son will try his hardest to mess it up. I am starting to think everything is my fault. I don't have a job. If I did I really would be a happier person. I could buy a washer and dryer, I could put more food in the fridge, I could help pay rent. I guess it is always "woulda, coulda, shoulda" in my life. Everyday I think what my life would be like if I left Ricky and started my life over. I don't want to do that but I am not going to go without the things my family needs forever. I understand we dont have the money right now, but we never have the money. I don't want to do anything to keeps the kids away from their father but I can't live like this forever. All we need is 250 dollars so we can put a down payment on a set and then make a 50 dollar payment every month for 9 months. Is that SO much to ask? I love Ricky, really I do but it kills me to see 4 year olds in my family that get treated better than I do. I don't get a moment alone. I pee with a 2 year old watching me. I shop with 2 cranky kids. I can never go to the pool with the kids because I cant handle 2 kids at the pool by myself. Ricky never wants to do anything as a family. Right now my house is a mess, kids are screaming, I need to find something for dinner and Ricky is upstairs by himself playing on the computer. All I want to make me happy is to be able to relax for a minute, wash clothes in my OWN house, a date night without kids, a job, money, my REAL family back in Tennessee, for my best friend to be not so far away and maybe a diet pepsi... I know my problems are tiny compared to other people being laid off and losing their homes but right now they are big to me, so big I am never happy unless I am alone with my kids and they are being good! I know this is such a long rant but I don't ever talk about this to anyone and if I talk to Ricky we end up argueing and talking about splitting up. Goodbye for now. Until next mental breakdown!!!!!!!!!!!